If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Every time my phone rings
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods