@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

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@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@SketchesbyBoze

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

@JustASmirk

The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.

@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@CourtneyBale

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

@ClichedOut

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified