@Twits_Giggles
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
@jellybnbonanza
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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@Twits_Giggles
@sonictyrant
[Invention of the bullet proof vest]
Me: just shoot me, it’s all good
*single gunshot*
Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest
@croninwhocares
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
@lisaxy424
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
@RowdyBerger
My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars
@LizerReal
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
@AristotlesNZ
Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..
@juliussharpe
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
@AnniemuMary
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
@Thedudish
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.