*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.