(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)
Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.