@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

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@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

@lisaxy424

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

@RowdyBerger

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

@LizerReal

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

@AnniemuMary

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.