*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
S/o to @funTweeters .
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.