@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

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@KyleMcDowell86

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

@daemonic3

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

@OneFunnyMummy

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@pinupteacher

*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.

@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

@mattsurely

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

@jimSarbh

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’