If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.


Possum 911: What’s your emergency


Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah


Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.


Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…


*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.


The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.


*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”


Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’