If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*bites zombie*
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.