@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

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@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@SuburbanSleuth

I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@shkeeber

I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.

Do you have any cookies?

@YuckyTom

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

@okaypup

“Do not purchase if seal is broke”

*looks over at homeless seal*

*places canned pickles back on the shelf*

@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

@lazerdoov

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes