If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.