DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*
Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”
OMG THIS IS SO ME