It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
You Might Also Like
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol