Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
good morning
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.