@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

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@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

@BoomBoomBetty

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.