If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers