*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My new juice cleanse is called Vodka with a side of Tonic
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May