@unravelingfire

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

You Might Also Like

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@kidphonic

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.