If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I like to diffuse situations with humornnnnnnnnnAnd a machete
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.