If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.