@unravelingfire

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

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@aissalanis

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

@ObscureGent

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

@RidiculousSheri

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

@staceys55

Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

@Tups13

There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.