If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
You Might Also Like
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Oops I deleted….
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?