@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

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@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

@jordan_stratton

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

@ParaJanitor

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.

@BrattyBarbie

I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.

@don_haworth

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

@SondraDeeMe

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

@wildethingy

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.