I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.