If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I wish I were this cool 😂
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.