IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?