If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
You Might Also Like
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*