Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him