If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
You Might Also Like
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.