@hasht4g

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

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@lasergirl70

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@LaLuchaNix

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

@BallsMcBallski

It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.

@EffdotEss

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

@68Cly29

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

@AristotlesNZ

My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.

@Dustinkcouch

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

@RobertManchild

My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend