If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”