When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”