People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?