“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.