I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.
He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.
He taught the children the technique.
I may divorce him.
If Rapunzel was a brunette, she’d have just opened the front door.
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Here’s an olive branch. Please choke on it.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what