@TheAlexNevil

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

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@KentWGraham

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

@clownesvanzandt

If men are stronger than women why do male characters in video games need full plate armor while the women only need a chainmail bikini. Checkmate

@fro_vo

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

@sweetmomissa

I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.

@XplodingUnicorn

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.