Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.