If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”