If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
You Might Also Like
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If men are stronger than women why do male characters in video games need full plate armor while the women only need a chainmail bikini. Checkmate
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.