@TheAlexNevil

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

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@sonictyrant

therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it’s updoc
therapist: ehhhh what’s updoc?
me: IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN

@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

@SaraMansford

I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to drop an anvil on.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

@Cheeseboy22

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

@kwirkyKerri

Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.

@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

@BoogTweets

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.