If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

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doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?


[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny


ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.


Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.


Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.


My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.


[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.


When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.


I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.