@WilliamRodgers

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

You Might Also Like

@sonictyrant

doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?

@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@SirEviscerate

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

@themessednest

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.

@ilovepie84

My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.

@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

@omgthatspunny

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

@TheWriteStuff2u

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.