ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.
ME: This is a service beer.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Nobody gracefully gets out of a beanbag chair.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area