If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?