If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Given the memory span of a goldfish…