white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
#Caturday
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
this is the news I live for
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
back to work
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.