@livlivme_do

If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

You Might Also Like

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@AllanForsyth

About 20 years ago I received a visit from my time travelling future self, but was high on weed at the time.

I woke up the next morning with a vague memory of being told to buy apples and bits of coin.

@jazz_inmypants

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

@Scdavis24

My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”