[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!