If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.


My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.


My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.


Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?


I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.


A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?


The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


About 20 years ago I received a visit from my time travelling future self, but was high on weed at the time.

I woke up the next morning with a vague memory of being told to buy apples and bits of coin.


WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect


My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”