If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”


The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans


*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”


So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.


[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what


*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*


NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.


As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.