@ANW_writer

If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

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@House_Feminist

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

@JordyHamrick

So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@YepperPepper123

*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*

@SirEviscerate

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

@salamingia

As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.