I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
There is no “we” in pizza
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
*praying for world peace*
God:
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied