@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

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@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@Kyle_Lippert

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@AJslackie

I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@AnOrangeSNES

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

@ericONEderful

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

@Los01001111

Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?