Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
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When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
how much does a mortician urn in a year
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Hero horse inspires millions
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
We need more people like this.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys