If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.


Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.


Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”


Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.


So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.


her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem


[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.


*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want


Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”