If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.