If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨