If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone


I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping


Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw


“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.


On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?


I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.


Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.


TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent


PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd


No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨