If school isn’t the place to sleep, then home isn’t the place to study.

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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.


I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”


Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.


BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.


Fox has cancelled American Idol.

From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”


I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.


Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.


I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.