Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
my sentiments exactly
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there