If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
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I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*offers Batman cough drops*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee