If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
You learn something every day
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”