If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

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I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”


“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”


*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.


FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind


Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.


Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.


Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.


So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.


“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class