If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
knights of the ikea table
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.