@AimeeHelene1

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

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@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@AmishPornStar1

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

@AndyAsAdjective

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

@team_daddy

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

@jonnysun

[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

@elisemarie91

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@SilverKick

Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.