If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Awesome parenting 😂
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
this is how life feels
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY