IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
We avoided this particular disaster
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature