I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
all that yoga finally paid off
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.