If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
wut hotdog?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Trying