If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
CRYING
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today