@SwartyComedy

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

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@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@thehubrispanda

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

@KKAlThani

If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@itsmebeegee07

I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.