If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.