If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Velcrow
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.