If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are


I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.


My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.


Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.


The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.



*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]


New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”


Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.


No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.