@pilau

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

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@AudreyPorne

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@jellybnbonanza

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

@byrdie_num_num

Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.

@ObscureGent

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@Topcat_007

New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”

@beefman138

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

@aimlessamers

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.