We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….
She’s a keeper!
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”
my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.