MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Finally, an explanation.
🛁
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”