@VanVeenB

If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!

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@Home_Halfway

We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.

@chuuew

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@mdob11

Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”

@ShutUpAndrosky

my neighbor (who is a landlord in his early 20s) is having a party right now. i’ve never been excited to call the cops on someone before this moment. is this what being a white woman who owns a bluetooth headset is like?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.