If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You Might Also Like
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
It’s the weekend y’all
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.