Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.