To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
TI: no I’m TI
I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?