@stanleybehrman

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

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@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@Cpin42

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

@badboychadhoy

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

@RorynotRoy

I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.

@twt_malaysia

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time