@MoneypennyNaked
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
@stanleybehrman
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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@MoneypennyNaked
@david8hughes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
@GrantTanaka
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
@ACartoonCat
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
@LaziestCanine
Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous
@ThugRaccoons
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
@thentherewasmo
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
@lawyerthoughts
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
@Ruth_A_Buzzi
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
@LOsepyan
Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.