If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine


Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous


Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”


Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.