I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”