@NikiWithIssues If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
@J0hnnyBlaze If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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@NikiWithIssues 
@TuffyNyC My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
@Browtweaten *Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
@curlycomedy If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.
@SamuelHLowe I wonder what my dog named me.
@fa_que2 You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
@heartlessX0 In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
@dafloydsta [therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
@FriedWords Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
@jimmytorosian A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.