
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no