@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

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@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@SuSuSuDonym

Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

@ikpsgill1

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

@themocker69

We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@SJSchauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no