If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly