If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.

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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless


I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.


5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!

Me: Want to call him & apologize?

5: You don’t have his phone number.


JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid


[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?


My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.


I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.


Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.