@Neuronicism

If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.

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@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@realHamOnWry

I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.

@The_JRM

5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!

Me: Want to call him & apologize?

5: You don’t have his phone number.

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@TheMichaelRock

My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.

@Bob_Janke

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.