*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
are they though??
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Ugh
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Lmaoo 😂
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
felt cute might bury dad later idk