if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”