I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry