If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?

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I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”


*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*


If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.


Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.


Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake


You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this


My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”


[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry