Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Sphere pressure 😂😭
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Me: do that but the opposite
[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye