If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.