You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Sees 40+ notifications. Starts to wonder if I accidentally uploaded a nude.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.