If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

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[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away


WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle


Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF


*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?


Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?


I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.


Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG